“We don’t really have many friends…”
by Mira and Charles on February 17th, 2010The next installment of “I thought I was the only one who…”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the following conversation with a couple I’m working with. It goes something like this.
At some point, one person in the couple, with great shame and hesitation, says that they don’t have any (or many) friends.
Then I say, “Oh, that’s very common. Most couples tell me that they don’t have many friends. This is a huge issue for most couples.”
The two people lean forward, mouths agape. “Really!?!?! We thought we were the only ones!”
“No, no, you’re in good company. This is the issue couples bring up more than any other.”
Jaws continue to drop.
Let me emphasize that. This is the issue couples bring up more than any other.
Now this issue is different from the usual troublesome trio of money, sex, and parenting. This is not usually an area where couples fight. It’s an area where couples are sad.
And it’s an area where couples struggle to do something, anything to fix the situation.
Which brings up another interesting part of this. Couples will often turn their lives inside out to remedy this. I know of one couple who are planning to move to another city in hopes of making friends. But more commonly couples will move to new neighborhoods, switch churches or synagogues, send their kids to private school, and make other radical attempts to meet new friends.
Now if you’re in the minority who hasn’t experienced this, you may be wondering what kind of losers these are. Well, guess again. In every case, these are attractive, interesting, successful people. I will often find that a couple other couples look up to as being fun and fashionable are themselves in search of friends.
But every couple who finds itself in need of friends feels like a loser, no matter how much they may seem like a happening couple to others. Friends are a kind of social capital, so we want to have a lot of them. We think of movies and TV show (Sex and the City was both) and the people there all seem to have plenty of friends. Unless they’re depressed. Depressed people in the movies rarely have friends.
But it’s time to face the truth. If it’s not just losers, not just a minority, then there must be something going on here. But what? Why is it so hard for couples to find friends they like?
Here’s what’s really going on.
For two couples to become friends, there are eight ways for it to go wrong. That’s right. Eight. Each of the four people has to like two other people, and two times four is eight. (And that’s assuming the people in each couple like each other!) Now what are the odds that you’re going to like some random person, if there is just one thing that links you (neighborhood, work, house of worship, country club, etc.)? Like enough to want to spend a lot of time with that person? Let’s say there’s only a 20% chance of that. I’ll spare you the math, but trust me when I tell you that with only one in 5 (=20%) chance of one person really liking another, there is approximately only a one in 3,000 (!) chance that two couples will form a friendship that makes everybody happy.
And that’s being very generous. For most people there’s really only a one in twenty (=5%) chance they’ll like a random person enough to want to spend a lot of time with that person. And in that case there is a one in 250,000,000 (!!) chance that two couples will form a friendship that makes everybody happy.
I know what you’re thinking. Either, Wow! Or, That can’t be right! Well, it is right, and it is Wow!
Now all this is much easier when you’re in college. You’re way less choosy (and way more drunk) and there are way more people around to choose from. This gives many of us a totally mistaken idea of how easy finding friendships is. As we move into our late twenties and get real jobs, we become much more choosy and it becomes harder to meet people. And that’s when couples math takes over.
So what do we do about this?
First of all, be happy you like the person you’re married to! That’s a big deal! After all, if there’s a 5% chance you’ll like some random person enough to hang out with them a couple of times a month, there’s a … what? One in 200, one in 2000, one in 20,000 chance you’ll like someone well enough to actually live with him or her! Those are tough odds. So be happy if you’ve found that.
Next, maybe we have to take a second look at the whole couple friendship thing. It’s nice if you can get it, but it may be an unobtainable dream for most people. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We can still have lots of one-on-one friendships (not that they’re all that easy to find!).
And we can have plenty of what I call limited couple friendships. Niche relationships. The couple you like to play golf with. The couple you like to talk about politics with. The couple you like to share parenting stuff with. The secret is, don’t try to inflate these relationships into more than they can be.
And it’s important to widen your search. A lot of the time the reason we’re sick of our friends is that we’re sick of ourselves. And our friends are people too much like ourselves. So we need variety. OK, then. Shake things up. Get involved with a whole new circle. Do something really different. It’s not just about meeting new people but about meeting different kinds of people that may make a big difference.
And finally, stop comparing yourself to people you see on TV and in the movies. And most of all, stop comparing yourself to other couples. They very likely have much less interesting social lives than you think they do. And if they do go out with other couples, it probably isn’t as much fun as they’d have you think!
Enjoy your life as it actually is. Don’t be jealous of other people, especially when there is nothing really there to be jealous of!
For more on jealousy as something that saps our emotional energy, you have to read the award winning The Emotional Energy Factor.
And if you have thoughts on this hot topic, share it with us!
