Valentine’s survival Q and A for everyone
by Mira and Charles on January 29th, 2010Our dreams of romance are haunted by nightmares of romance gone bad. The question we all face is, How do we make our dreams come true and avoid the nightmares? Well, as a start, here are answers to the questions I most often get from people when Valentine’s Day is approaching:
Q: “Have you looked at the calendar? Valentine’s Day will soon be here. Do you know how busy we are? How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day when you don’t have time to celebrate?”
CHI: “I hate doing things in a half-assed way, and that’s particularly true when it comes to love and romance. Here’s what you do if you’re really busy. Write each other a love letter. Be honest, real, specific, and stay away from clichés. On Valentine’s Day if you only have 1 hour, spend it with each other in the most private, romantic place you can think of. A champagne picnic on your bed could be perfect. Share your letters. And then as a Valentine’s Day gift, give each other the present of a real getaway at a future time.”
Q: ”This Valentine’s Day I’m not going to be in a relationship. I’ve been in this situation before and I always feel bummed out. Do you have any advice for people who are alone on Valentine’s Day?”
CHI: “Well at least you’re not in a bad relationship or in some thrown-together-at-the-last-minute relationship. Look, I understand. You want to be in a relationship. But the best Valentine’s Day present you can give yourself is two promises. You will keep looking for someone who’s right for you (and for sure he or she is out there) and you won’t settle for someone who is not right for you. and what do you do on Valentine’s Day? There are two suggestions that usually work great for people. One is to get together with some single friends and have an I-hate-Valentine’s-Day blowout. The other is to give yourself a real treat on Valentine’s Day. Do something nice for yourself like schedule a massage or a day off on Friday so you have a three-day weekend.”
Q: “I just started a new relationship. We like each other but we’re not at the I-love-you stage. Now I’m feeling pressure with Valentine’s Day coming up. I don’t want to rush things, but I don’t want to blow it. Advice?”
CHI: “This is the perfect time to see if you can talk to this person about real things without b.s. Just say something like, ‘You know, it’s weird; Valentine’s Day coming on us like this and we’re just getting to know each other. I’m thinking maybe we can acknowledge it without getting carried away by it. How do you want to handle it?’ If you guys can talk about this kind of thing easily without getting stuck or stupid, that’s a very good sign.”
Q: “I’ve been thinking I want to break up with my boyfriend. It feels cruel to do it just before Valentine’s Day, but if I wait until afterwards, it will feel like I am just going through the motions. How do I handle this?”
CHI: “Being dumped just before Valentine’s Day is horrible. You’re right. It’s just too cruel. Wait a week. There are two exceptions to this rule of thumb. The first is if you’re in an abusive, horrible relationship. If it’s torture for you to stay with this person, then don’t wait. The second exception is if you’re in a place where going through the motions on Valentine’s Day is going to be a setup for a huge fight, because you just won’t be able to carry it out. If either of these exceptions is the case, then it’s best to do it sooner rather than later.”
Q: “I want to do something romantic for Valentine’s Day that’s not a cliché. Any ideas?”
CHI: “Three ingredients make something romantic. It’s special, out of the ordinary, unexpected. It comes from the heart; it’s personal. And it’s something the other person really likes. This is all you need to know to figure out how to do something that’s romantic but not a cliché. The big mistake people make is to get confused by all the ads. The ads make it seem as though all any woman wants is flowers or a Teddy Bear, expensive jewelry, and dinner at a fancy restaurant. But here’s the thing. These are actually fallbacks when you can’t think of something special and personal that’s connected to something your partner really likes. Because here’s the thing: the most romantic gesture of all is thoughtfulness. If you think through the ingredients of being romantic and apply it to your partner, you won’t go wrong. But here are two ideas that never miss. One is a love letter. But stay away from clichés and vague generalities. Be honest, real, specific. A great idea is to list 50 things about him or her that you think are wonderful. Talk about your happiest memories of the two of you together. Talk about your hopes for the future. The other idea that never misses is time where you can devote yourself to each other and really talk and most of all listen to each other.”
Q: “My husband and I…well, things haven’t been going so well. We’ve been arguing and stuff. Is there way to quickly patch things up so we can have a nice Valentine’s Day?”
CHI: “The best thing to do is to say, ‘You know, we’ve been mad at each other, but we still love each other so let’s make a truce for Valentine’s Day and just enjoy being with each other. Then on Valentine’s Day itself, share with each other the things about each other that you appreciate. And do something together that you’ve enjoyed together in the past.”
Q: “My wife and I have been married for a while and now we’re just kind of distant. The romance around Valentine’s Day feels out of reach for us now but I think we’ll be disappointed if we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. How can we start getting closer?”
CHI: “The reason you’ve not been so close is that you’ve lost touch with what works for the two of you to get closer. So before Valentine’s Day talk about this with each other. Each of you tell the other what would work to break the ice for you. Then on Valentine’s Day do some of those things.”
Q: “A few years ago I cheated on my husband and he found out. Things were terrible for awhile, but they’re much better now. Still, he hasn’t forgiven me and this still haunts us. For me it would be a great Valentine’s Day if I could do something to get him to forgive me. How can I do that?”
CHI: “There are three ingredients that make forgiveness possible. Time, trust, and the sense that the other person really understands what you’ve gone through. You can’t do anything about time. But you could ask your partner if there’s anything more you can do now to rebuild trust. And, even if it feels like re-opening old wounds, you can show him that you really do understand the hurt he went through. If you can show him that you really get it, you can create some real healing. And remember, he doesn’t have to completely forgive you. If he can just take one big step towards forgiveness, that will be huge and in time will lead to even more forgiveness.”
What have I left out? What is your burning question about how to have more romance in your life? Tell us your thoughts
