How will someone respond to betrayal? Seven factors
by Mira and Charles on January 27th, 2010When we look at how Elizabeth Edwards, Elin Woods, Jennie Sanford, Silda Spitzer, and Hillary Clinton responded to their husband’s infidelity, a mystery emerges. Why do some people respond one way to being betrayed and other’s respond very differently?
These differences are very real. Some women leave their husband, some stay. Some find forgiveness in their hearts, some don’t. Some marriages heal, others don’t. Some cry, some get yell, some attack you with a golf club.
It should also be pointed out that there are a lot of similarities too. Almost everyone is angry, devastated, and humiliated. Almost everyone goes through a long period of not being able to trust the cheating spouse. Almost everyone has a lot of hurt and rage that needs to come out.
But still. Why such radical differences? If an affair is the heart attack of marriage, why do some “live” and others “die”?
It turns out that there are seven factors that explain this.
1. Contrition. If the cheating spouse is sorry, really sorry, and shows it by being willing to hang in there and make amends, then that’s a good sign. And being sorry means above all being willing to listen for a long time, months, to someone talk about all the ways he or she has been hurt. It does not mean say, “I said I was sorry.” It does not mean saying, “When are you going to get over this?”
2. Relationship history. People who’ve had a good, close relationship before the affair have a much better chance than people who’ve had a lousy relationship. It’s like, if you get sick, your chance of recovery is a lot better if previously you were healthy. If the relationship has been rocky, your cheating could be the anvil that broke the camel’s back.
3. Personal history. This is a complex risk factor. A stable, happy personal history might mean a stable, happy person who can better weather being betrayed. On the other hand, it might make it easier for her to dump his sorry ass. The most important point here is that a healthy personal history means a stronger person, better able to cope with being cheated on, whether she stays or leaves. And of course a personal history of being cheated on plays a big role here too.
4. Glue. No, not Elmer’s. Yours. The glue between you. How strongly you’re connected. If a couple have a strong connection, it will make it harder for the person cheated on to leave. What gives people a strong connection? Well, love. Kids. Shared work. Shared friends.
5. Options. When people have nowhere to go, they tend not to go anywhere. When people have a lot of options, they might very well use them. Options are good. That is why it is so important for women to have money and work of their own. And options make staying better: if you do stay, it feels good to know that you could have left but chose not to.
6. Humiliation. All affairs are terribly humiliating for the person who’s been cheated on. But some affairs are much more humiliating than others. And the greater the humiliation, the more likely someone is to leave. What makes an affair more humiliating? Well, if everyone in your community or social circle knows about it. If it’s with your best friend. If you find out your spouse has proclaimed his love for the other woman.
7. The ability to forgive. It sounds pretty obvious, but forgiving people forgive. If you know the person who’s been cheated on, you may have a good sense of whether they’re a forgiving person or not.
All right, then. But what difference does all this make? First of all, it helps us understand why some women stand by their man and other bail out. Don’t judge; instead look for how these factors lead to the outcome.
Second, if you’re going through something like this in your marriage, it helps to know what you’re up against. If there’s been a lot of humiliation and not much glue, then you might be in big trouble. If there’s a lot of glue and not more humiliation than normal, then that’s very much to your advantage.
Note: Hillary Clinton was very high in the humiliation department, but also high in glue. And she’d proven her ability to forgive. Now try to apply these seven factors to other relationships you know something about.
If your relationship has been hit by an affair, please do yourself a favor and check out When Good People Have Affairs. It will make a lot of things clear. And if you’re wondering whether to stay or go, you’ll find all the answers in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
January 27th, 2010 at 10:11 pm
These are all great points that make a lot of sense. I am someone who was betrayed during year 18 of marriage. It’s been two years and not much repair has been done.
The betrayal discolors the WHOLE relationship. After two years of trying to recover, it starts to seem like the whole relationship must not have been that good at all. We were obviously not as close as I thought. What I thought was a generally happy or at least content family obviously wasn’t. It does not make me feel as though there was much glue.
All good things to keep in mind. If I consider all 7, then it is probably best I leave.
I would say I have probably read all the major books out there on the subject of affairs and betrayal. Dr. Kirshenbaum’s books When Good People Have Affairs and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay have been by far the best resources. They are each comprehensive in presenting the subject of what an affair can be and how a person having an affair may feel along with realistic resolution strategies. Too Good to leave, Too Bad to Stay is helpful for any hurting relationship. I gave it to a friend in a similar situation who did feel great about her husband before the affair but felt pressure from those around her to give up. The book has helped her to see the many strengths still within their relationship. Many thanks to Dr. Kirshenbaum. She will never know how many families she has helped.
January 28th, 2010 at 9:36 am
mgrdm66, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, you are so right: as you say, “betrayal discolors the whole relationship.” It’s not just that the present is damaged, but it can feel like the past was a lie. But all this is just pain. It hurts, badly, but that pain by itself is not a sign of permanent damage, any more than the pain of a stubbed toe is a sign that you’ve broken your toe. The long-term questions are, Can this relationship heal, and Do I want it to heal? It sounds like you are working on answering these questions. I wish you all the best, and thank you again for your support. Be well!