Your pre-Valentine’s Day tune up
by Mira and Charles on January 25th, 2010Valentine’s day is looming. Now V-day may be an unmixed blessing for people who happen to have just fallen madly in love, but for many of us there is a lot of dread. V-day can be depressing if you’re not in a relationship, anxiety producing if you’ve just started going out with someone, and BOTH depressing AND anxiety producing if you’re in a well established relationship with some tread wear. And that’s because V-day demands a level of romantic levitation that’s a challenge for people whose relationships have long since come down to earth (in some case, with a thud). So how do you deal with this challenge?
Well, you could try being too cool to even acknowledge V-day. You know: why invest in what’s just a Hallmark holiday? But that’s hard if you’re not young, hip, and urban. (And in reality it’s hard for a lot of young, urban hipsters.)
You could do what most people do. Get through it. The day comes. There are cards, flowers, a dinner—a day of kiss, kiss, nice, nice. And then back to business as usual. There’s nothing wrong with that, but too often it leaves a sour, hollow, disappointed feeling. But what can you do? you think. So you sigh, and move on.
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. You could, for example, use this holiday as a time to have a marriage tune-up. What an idea! Using V-day as an opportunity to make your marriage better! Why…it’s just crazy enough to work!
I know what you’re thinking: “How could I do this thing, this marriage tune-up?”
It’s easy. At least it’s a lot easier than getting through an awkward, let’s-make-the-best-of-this V-day dinner.
All you have to do is this. Here’s a list of the ultimate, best ever, top 10 most important things to do to have a better marriage. So why don’t both of you decide to do just a little better with each item on the list? You don’t have to change. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to try to be a little better with each of these 10 do’s and don’ts.
1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we’ve got to love them for that. That’s what a great, long-lasting marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.
2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things you can do. It’s not about being silent while the other person is talking and then saying, “Yes, but…” and then immediately inserting your own opinion. Instead it’s about asking questions when the other person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around everything she feels about this issue.
3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are important. Say how much you’ve valued every little thing your partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.
4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right. Now it doesn’t matter what you do for fun — that’s different for everybody. But know what your fun things are and make sure you do them.
5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be in a relationship with you. Here’s an example. Think about how you must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you’re kind of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that’s not so fun? Be honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn’t just about coming home from work; it’s about other ways you are in your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner’s eyes, that’s just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn’t want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?
6. DON’T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn’t walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers, downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you want to get the heck away from.
7. DON’T live in the past. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t talk about the past. Look, I know you’ve both done things to hurt each other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.
8. DON’T deny your most important needs. When you identify which unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are. Do it one at a time. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each other’s needs, love thrives.
9. DON’T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your relationship is like a fountain of youth. I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that’s important too. But just as important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing each other’s feet or shoulders. You should have some warm, meaningful physical contact every day.
10. DON’T forget to have a life. Marriage is a big deal. It plays a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it’s not everything. It certainly can’t give you what you can get for yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your marriage do more for you than it can, you’ll end up polluting it with your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your marriage, the two support each other.
Now you may have do’s or don’ts that have worked well for you. Let me hear! Share them with the rest of us. And let us know how this works out for you.
For more help with your relationship, you really have to check out Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. You’ll find there all the help you’ll need, with plenty of easy-to-understand, easy-to-do exercises.
