Wouldn’t this be great?  Starting the new year with a new marriage…and you with your same old partner!  After all, let’s face it: too many of us feel stuck in tired-out marriages.  Too much of the same old some old.  Too little fun and romance.  And this doesn’t feel like love.  Love should feel like falling in love, which is all about newness.  So how do you get more of this in your marriage without starting over with a new partner every two years—and just when you’ve got the old partner broken in?

But you can start all over with the same person, and what better time than the start of a new year.  Here’s the trick.  Too much of the past is the same old irritants.  You can’t fix the past.  And you can’t keep getting stuck in it.  So you forget the past.  You just focus on making things new.  And guess what?  All that old stuff starts looking puny when you focus on the new.

OK, then, having decided to start afresh, what exactly do you do?  You just have to do two simple but very powerful things. 

1.  Here’s the greatest make-your-marriage-new-and-better solution ever:  You each write down ten things that make you feel loved.  “I feel loved when you…” or “I would feel loved if you…”  Then you just have a conversation about the whens and hows.  “What do you mean by this?  How do I do it?”

What you’re really doing is teaching each other your own language of love, no one else’s.  This is important because we tend to do for our partners the things that make us feel loved (“Let’s have sex!”) or that we’re good at doing (“I made your favorite meat loaf!”) or that are easy (“Here are some flowers [that I picked up from the guy at the traffic light]!”).  The one thing we don’t do, or even know, is what actually makes our partner feel loved.  But here’s where the making-things-new magic comes in.  When you each have your lists, you have a secret superhighway straight to your partner’s heart.  And the real magic comes because when people feel loved they act more loving. 

2.  And now here’s the second-greatest make-your-marriage-new-and-better solution ever:  You each take all your gripes and grumbles, turn yourselves firmly toward the future and ask yourself, “What are the 3 top things I’d like to ask my partner to do differently?”  The only thing is that they need to be specific and do-able (e. g. “Take out garbage without my reminding you,” or “Lock up your Blackberry or iPhone when we’re talking”).

Just three needs.  Three little things to do or stop doing.  Three little steps away from the past into a new and better future.  And they may make all the difference. 

And there you have it.  These two solutions are all most couples need to start out the new year with a new marriage, or at least one that feels new.  It’s a lot like falling in love again. 

Want more help making your marriage better?  Well, the best book on the subject is Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad.  Check it out.  You’ll be glad you did. 

Posted: Monday, January 4th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Category: Relationships, News & Notes, Emotional Energy, Decision Making
Author: Mira and Charles
Follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.