“But he says he loves me…”
by Mira and Charles on December 19th, 2009I wish I didn’t get letters like this. But in fact I get them all the time. ALL THE TIME! It’s so sad. I don’t want to be gross, but if you put food in your mouth and it tastes rotten, you spit it out. But for so many of us, if we’re in a relationship that feels rotten, we just keep swallowing. Here’s an example of the kind of email I keep getting:
Dear Mira,
Of all the questions I’ve sent you, there is one in my mind all the time. How can my boyfriend tell me he loves me, when he show no respect, when he is rude and is hurting me where ever he can? I feel he loves me. But why is he hurting me all the time. I tell him so many times it hurts me so deep the way he reacts on certain things. The way he talks about my son. the things I do. He disaproves my friends, my family. He makes such a big thing of very little domestic things. We fight over little things and than he threatens to leave. It goes up and down. My reason tells me to let him go, but feeling my emotions I can’t deal with that. I’m so mixed up so confused. I cry my heart out. Please let me know, thank you so much. L— xxx
And here’s my response:
I know this question is painful for you, but thank god it is an easy one for me to answer.
Your boyfriend tells you he loves you because it is how he knows how to control you. His is a sick kind of love that is all tied up with the need to control. And that means that it is not you he really loves at all. He loves his own sense of himself. He loves your loving him. He loves having power. Every time you are not perfect or not perfectly obedient he feels you are not devoted to him the way he’d want and he can’t stand the pain of not being worshiped. His behavior is just like that of a religious cult. They both do the same things: try to drive a wedge between a person and her friends and family. They don’t love you; they want to own you. And of course part of the picture is that he can be charming sometimes — just enough to keep you hooked. This is what psychologists call a personality disorder. It is a sickness that is incurable. It is certainly incurable by you. It will eat you up if you try.
And how can you love him? Well, love is hope. Love is the feeling we have when we have the hope that someone can be wonderful for us. Now hope, as psychologists know well, is always the last thing to die. People continue to hope long after every last reason to hope has gone. You still love him because you still have hope that somehow he will change. But he won’t change, and the sooner you accept that the sooner you will be on your way to a happy, healthy future. Take good care of yourself, Mira
That’s the answer for L— and for millions of women and men stuck in relationships with controlling people. It seems so confusing: they say they love you. But it’s not confusing at all. If it feels bad, if it feels wrong, it’s not love. Please, I beg you: you deserve better. There is someone out there who can and will love you as you are.
For more guidance, check out the classic Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. It has all the help you need to see if you will be happier staying or leaving. It’s helped millions. It will help you.
