End fights about where to spend Christmas
by Mira and Charles on November 29th, 2009For many families, the holidays bring the same battle every year: no one can agree on where to spend Christmas. You like my mother, but my father always gets drunk and obnoxious. I like your dad, but your mom can’t cook. My sister lives so far away it’s an awful drive. Your brother lives in a dump. I’d like to have people over our house, but the last time we did it it was so much trouble it ruined Christmas for us.
And so what should be one of the happiest, most loving times of the year turns into a conflict-filled, stressed-out disaster.
There’s got to be a better way. And there is. Here are the basic principles. If you stick to them, they will end conflict and return joy and peace to your all Christmases.
– Don’t reward bad behavior. Auntie Em will “be terrible hurt” if you don’t come to her house for Christmas as usual, even though Uncle Iggy always gets into loud, obnoxious, insulting, ultimately confrontational arguments with his guests every year, making the whole experience a nightmare. Well, you don’t have to reward this bad behavior by continuing to show up. It’s not about being moralistic and it’s certainly not about teaching people lessons: people who behave badly usually won’t learn no matter what you do. This is just about your empowering yourself to say No. As long as you remember that you don’t have to reward bad behavior, you’ll be OK.
– You don’t have to please everyone. So many Christmas plans go down in flames because you try to make everyone happy. But if you slice yourself into little bits to make everyone happy, you’ll end up pleasing a lot of people who aren’t all that important to you, and neglecting what’s most important. And what’s that: first, you and your spouse. As a long-time family therapist I can tell you that if you get that part right, everything else will work out. If you don’t please both of you, then nothing else matters. Better to make one or two people happy than no one.
– You can say No. You should say No. No is good. I’ve worked with families around the “where do we go for Christmas” issues for thirty years. And I can tell you authoritatively that for every No you say to someone, your Christmas just gets that much better. Nothing ruins the spirit of Christmas, and your own spirits, faster than saying Yes to a whole bunch of people, running around like crazy, spreading yourself too thin, exhausting yourself, and then not having much to show for it.
– Christmas exhausts already-stressed-out people. Unless you actually are Superman, you’re not Superman. Or Superwoman. Facts: most of us are tired and stressed out these days. Then we pile it on further with holiday shopping and activities. All this means that you end up as the holidays roll on even tireder and more stressed out than usual. So we wash up on the
– You can buy yourself a lot of freedom if you have a good excuse. I’ve found that a lot of the time we get ourselves in over our head at Christmas because we don’t take the time to come up with a good excuse. Now a bad excuse is one where you’re confrontive: “Sorry, Auntie Em, we’re not going to spend Christmas with you because Uncle Iggy is an oaf and a cretin.” Nothing good is going to come from that. A good excuse is one that lets both of you off the hook: “Sorry, Auntie Em, we’ve been having such a horrible time of it recently that we’re just wiped out. We promised each other we’re just going to stay home, rest, and keep things real simple. We’ll come and visit you another time.” And by the way, a good excuse can also be a little white lie. I’ve checked with Santa Claus: a white lie designed to spare another’s feelings won’t put you on his Naughty list.
– Talk to your spouse about what’s most important to each of you this Christmas. Before you lock yourselves into any plans, talk with your spouse about what’s most important to each of you this Christmas. Each of you answer this question: When Christmas is over, what’s the one thing you want to have for yourself? At a minimum, let your plans be driven by what you both most care about. At least that way, you’ll get something for yourselves.
– Be flexible. There’s more than one way to slice a pie, and I’m not just talking mince meat. By “be flexible,” I also mean “Be creative.” Explore all kinds of options. Suppose, for example, you went away for Christmas. Then everyone would accept that you weren’t going to their house or having them to yours. Suppose you just said you were going away… The point is that if you explore a whole variety of options before fighting has made you stupid, you might come up with some great workarounds for your conflicts.
– Negotiate. This is fundamental. Before you make any commitments and before you get polarized and angry with each other, talk to each other. Have a negotiating spirit, where you’re hopeful that with give and take on both sides you can work out a way to do things that makes both of you happy. Don’t forget to enlarge the frame: maybe you don’t get what you want for Christmas, but in exchange you get a gift of an all-day package at your favorite spa.
– Take turns. One of the simplest ways to have a happy resolution is to take turns. You and I flip a coin. You won the toss? OK, you get to have Christmas be the way you want it to be this year, and I can’t complain. But then next year I get to have Christmas be the way I want, and you can’t complain. And by the way: get this in writing.
– No personalities. Don’t try to convince your spouse that his brother sucks. That will probably not be a winning move. Just focus on how important it is for you to enjoy yourself and avoid confrontation. Often in trying to persuade the other why you should get what you want, you attack one of his friends or relatives. You hope to make a convincing argument, but this almost always blows up in your face. Just focus on what you want, not why what the other person wants is a bad idea.
For more help, there is a tremendously helpful section in Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad starting on pp. 155 that shows you just what to do when you find yourselves completely stuck. It turns out…you’re NOT stuck. There is a lot you can do to break through the impasse. And we tell you just what that is.
