Falling asleep quickly and easily, part 2
by Mira and Charles on November 20th, 2009Last time we talked about some tools and tricks for getting to sleep faster and more easily. Now we want to offer you some ways to overcome one of the biggest obstacles to getting a good night’s sleep: night thoughts, which we described as “dark, disturbing, fretful, nerve-jangling thoughts” that creep into your head like mental snakes and keep you awake just like, well, a real snake in your bed would.
The most important thing to know is that night thoughts are a paper tiger. They feel horrible and seem overwhelming, but in fact you’d be surprised at how easily you can make them go away or render them helpless to disturb you.
What exactly are night thoughts? They are like a news broadcast that goes on in your mind, is all about you, and contains only bad news.
Night thoughts fall into the following categories.
There are worries: your mind starts spinning out a bunch of scary what-ifs. What if you get fired? What if your spouse is having an affair? What if that bump you felt on your back is cancer? What if your boss is out to get you? And on and on they go.
There are doom thoughts: no need to worry here, you’re already doomed. Your kid is an idiot. You’ll never find a mate and will stay single and unloved forever. You’ll spend your old age eating store-brand cat food.
And there are “you suck” thoughts: these are a variety of ways of looking at yourself and your life that make you feel like a failure and a screw-up. You’ve wasted your life. You drive people away. You’re ugly.
As you’re trying to fall asleep, or fall back asleep after you’ve woken up, one of these thoughts crashes into your head like a meteor crashing into your house. It feels as though you’ve been awakened by the deepest truth you could possibly imagine. And that’s where night thoughts get their power. We’re tired, sleepy, and vulnerable, like children in the dark, and then we hear this terrible truth.
Except that it isn’t the truth.
It just feels that way because we feel so helpless.
Except that we’re NOT helpless.
Here’s what works to take all the power away from those night thoughts. A night thought is a voice in your head telling you you’re not OK. That’s all. To crush the night thought all you have to do is spend an equal amount of time talking to yourself about how you are OK. It’s not fighting back. It’s not arguing. It’s just taking the time to fill your head with wiser, smarter, more helpful, more comforting, more constructive thoughts.
For example, let’s say you suddenly have disturbing thoughts about how you’re going to be fired. These thoughts leave you like a mass of quivering jelly, and not in a good way. Now to crush these night thoughts you could go in one of two directions here, or both.
You could start talking to yourself about how it is NOT likely that you’re going to be fired. Don’t get into arguing with the night thought. Just tell yourself a story about how your job is secure. You’re a good worker and a valued employee. Your company is doing well. The boss likes you. And so on. Just give equal time to the better thoughts.
Or you could talk to yourself about how you will be OK if you lose your job. It’s not that you keep telling yourself you will be OK. It’s that you talk to yourself about HOW you will be OK. List your contacts. List your skills. Go over the steps you’d take to look for a job. Go over ways you’d get support.
And that’s the idea. For ANY night thought, you can do the same kind of thing. Just tell yourself, “Be constructive,” and go over as specifically as you can, in as much detail as you can, the reasons why the opposite of the night thoughts are true, or why the night thoughts miss the point.
Staying up because you think you’re ugly? You can talk to yourself about why you’re a good looking person. Or why you have a lot to offer other than looks.
Just go into detail. Spin it out. Give yourself a good talking to just the way you’d want a good friend to.
And if you get stuck, don’t just lie there suffering. Get up. Read a book or a magazine for about 20 minutes, and then go back to bed and try again. It’s like hitting the reset button: you’ll find you do much better.
Want more help? Well, in The Emotional Energy Factor there is a whole chapter on how to deal with night thoughts. Check it out. There’s a lot of helpful advice there.
And it’s important not to neglect basic sleep hygiene. Here’s a really good source of help. But you’ve got to do it. These aren’t just suggestions. They’re essentials.
