An emotional energy scoop
by Mira and Charles on November 18th, 2009Just did an interview for a major magazine (can’t mention the name) about emotional energy — triggers, boosters, drainers, and how to get more when you really need it. Thought you might be interested in seeing it in raw form before it turns into a magazine piece months from now.
MAG: What are the triggers that can drain your emotional energy?
US: Emotional energy (EE) is based on our sense that: “I’m living the life I want, doing what I want to do, and when I put out effort the results I get back are worth it.” So our EE takes a hit every time we experience a loss, a threat of loss, or a discouragement (threatened loss of future gain). These are particularly difficult when the loss has to do with “less ME in my life.” One surprise was how often envy damaged EE: it’s a kind of comparative loss or a suggestion (usually false) that we’ll never get what we want in life.
MAG: What types of people are energy drainers and energy boosters?
US: Drainers:
–People who bum us out with their negativity. Bad moods are contagious.
–Critics. It’s very discouraging to be told “You suck.” Especially when it’s done in a way that makes it hard for you to argue back.
–Problem pits. It’s fine that our friends and family have problems from time to time. What drains EE is when your efforts to help never seem to help at all.
–People who think you can accomplish whatever you want if your thoughts are positive enough: this is an unnecessary lie, and lies are discouraging.
Boosters:
–People who like to have fun.
–People who make things happen.
–People who are supportive.
–People who are hopeful and can come up with good reasons to be hopeful.
–People who make us feel there is more to life than we thought.
–People who don’t blame, complain, or criticize.
MAG: What changes can you make to boost your emotional energy?
US: Well, I wrote a whole book about this!! In The Emotional Energy Factor are 25 secrets for boosting your emotional energy, all based on a vitamin-deficiency model: you only need to boost you EE in the areas where it is deficient. It’s impossible to sum up, but I’ll try to do so anyway. Have more YOU in your life, have more fun, have a lot of things to look forward to, and say NO as much as you can to everyone and everything that drains your EE. But that’s just scratching the surface: there are so many more fast, easy things you can do to boost your EE.
MAG: What tips would you give for boosting emotional energy?
US: See above.
MAG: We live in a society where we communicate by email and text, is this a contributing factor? Should we be making an effort to meet face to face with friends/colleagues, etc?
US: Only the ones who boost your EE. Merely being with people is not an EE booster. At the same time, the utter shallowness and emptiness of most email and text communications are a real EE drain, unless you’re a teenager and the connection is all you need.
MAG: On a personal level, I am currently lacking in emotional energy. I have a baby who is one this weekend, and three and a half weeks ago my mother had a bad fall down the stairs and has been in hospital with a head injury. I have been juggling people to look after my daughter and hospital visits every day since. I’m sleeping badly and eating dreadfully, so much junk food. I feel completely emotionally drained! What advice could you give me? (I’m starting the feature with this).
US: Believe me, I know what it’s like when the burdens and responsibilities suddenly pile up. But there’s a lot you can do. The material we present in The Emotional Energy Factor came from studying precisely what people in draining, overwhelming situations did to boost their EE in spite of circumstances. Here are some suggestions:
–Do NOT try to live up to any notion of doing what you’re doing perfectly or in accordance with anyone else’s standards. DO focus on the idea that you will do your best and even though it may be far from perfect it will be good enough. And if anyone doesn’t think so (including you!), screw them.
–Do NOT be afraid. Stop getting carried away by scenarios in your head about how things will not be OK if you drop any of the many balls you’re juggling. INSTEAD, for every 5 minutes you spend thinking about dreadful and awful things are and are going to be, spend 5 minutes finding your OK: think specifically and in detail about how things are and are going to be OK. Tell yourself a long story, basically, in which you, in the role of excellent coper, are the hero.
–Do NOT allow yourself to run on empty. No matter how under the gun you feel, DO one thing every day, however small, to take care of yourself. Do one bigger thing every week, such as scheduling a massage.
–Do NOT allow yourself do go it alone. DO get help whenever and wherever possible.
–Do NOT think you’ve fallen into a black hole. DO imagine a time in the not-too-far future when your mom will have stabilized and you can get away for a long weekend.
–Do NOT accept not getting enough sleep. DO everything you can to address this problem head on. Think of it as your number-one priority: being overtired makes people stupid, angry, sad, and scared. So: why aren’t you getting enough sleep? Are you drinking too much coffee during the day? Cut back. Night thoughts? See #2 above. Night thoughts are just the way we tell ourselves things will not be OK. Work at telling yourself the other side of the story: how things WILL be OK. Also, if there ever was a time to talk to your doctor about maybe taking a sleep medication, this is it.
MAG: Please could you also tell me, in brief, a little about your book?
US: I’d heard the phrase “emotional energy” for a long time. Then I went through a period when I was faced with a serious thyroid problem: my levels were so low my doctor thought I must be dead or in a coma. But this is when I was starting to do the kind of research we always do here at the Chestnut Hill Institute: there must be people, we thought, who go through the same challenges we all go through but who maintain high levels of emotional energy anyway. What do they do that the rest of us can do? Now here’s the amazing thing. As the research came in and I was learning all these amazing ideas for how to boost your EE, I was feeling quite well, thank you very much, in spite my horridly low thyroid levels. I was unconsciously doing all the things I was learning about, and the boost to my emotional energy was more than making up for my hideously low physical energy.
After The Emotional Energy Factor came out it was named on of the five best psychology books of the year by the Books for a Better Life Award people, which is a bit like winning an Oscar in the pop psych/self-help category!
