More good sex, more often, Part 2
by Mira and Charles on October 30th, 2009OK, let’s just get right into it, part 2 of overcoming the obstacles couples face who aren’t having as much sex as they’d like:
7. Your sexual chemistry wasn’t so hot at the beginning and now you’re dealing with this. Uh oh. This isn’t good. It may a sign that things may not get much better. It’s definitely a sign that you need to address it. And there are some important factors that give reasons for hope.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Some couples are so sexually inexperienced and/or repressed that they haven’t begun to explore their sexuality either separately or together. The other possibility is that there are medical conditions, including medication side effects, that are getting in your way. So what you need to do is go to a qualified sex therapist. You may be amazed at how much better things can be.
8. There’s been a decline of libido with age.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–There is absolutely no reason IN GENERAL why couples can’t have a happy sex as they age. The frequency may decline, but so what as long as you’re both content. There are only two problems here. One is if one of you wants sex much more than the other. If that’s so, go to the answer to question 4 in the previous blog. The other possibility is health issues. Definitely talk to your doctor about your low sex drive and ask about medical problems that might be contributing to it. Other than these two problems, just talk to each other about what you need and how you feel about sex with each other – talking freely is important now more than ever.
9. It gets harder over time to come up with new things to do in bed, and you have a need for newness.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Heck, this is easy. Go to Amazon and browse among the sex manuals until you find a book that looks good to you. One word of advice, though. Although coming up with new things to do can be fun and helpful, the MOST important thing is talking to each other about what you like.
10. You’ve fallen into a dynamic in which each of you is waiting for the other to make the first move.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Oooh, I have a GREAT solution for this. It’s called Taking Turns. Flip a coin to see who’s IT. It’s that person’s turn to initiate lovemaking. Once you’ve made love, it’s the other person’s turn to initiate. By making one person at a time responsible for initiating you avoid the sad dynamic where you’re both waiting for the other.
11. One or both of you in fact is looking for a way out of the relationship.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Well, are you looking for a way out of the relationship? The best way to tell if you should stay or go is to read the classic on this subject, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The answer is there. And I promise you this. Divorce may be right for you. Staying together may be right for you. But nothing is worse than relationship limbo where the only thing you’re committed to is your ambivalence about your relationship.
12. Sex is not good now for a specific but temporary or treatable reason: something physiological or anatomical; there is a sexual dysfunction; a problem in current life circumstances; illness; etc.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Well, you know the answer to this. Go see your doctor. Why wait? And please don’t be embarrassed to talk about any sexual concerns or problems. Your doctor has heard them all. He or she just wants to help you.
13. Having sex and talking about why you’re not having sex never happen because while this is an important issue, it’s infinitely postponable. It’s not urgent, and many other things in your life are urgent, so you don’t get around to it.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Yeah, I know, we’re all busy. But there are only two real reasons why people postpone the sexual discussion. One is that they are discouraged. Maybe it’s been hard to talk about before. Maybe the problems seem daunting. But the earlier blog Better sex, starting now has a seven-question procedure that is safe, comfortable, and effective. You WILL be able to talk and you WILL find a way to make things better. The other reason people postpone the sexual discussion is that they are in fact comfortable with the distance they’ve arrived at. But are you really comfortable? The only way to know for sure is to go to the Better sex, starting now blog and go through that same seven-question procedure. The one thing you MUST avoid is regret that things could have been better but you never did anything about it.
Now here’s what I want you to take away from all of this. Help is possible. Hope makes sense. Things can be better. If you use the information in these blogs, they WILL be better. Will things in bed be perfect and wonderful? Probably not, but they don’t have to be. It’s not about turning an imperfect into a perfect sex life. That ain’t gonna happen for any of us. But you CAN turn a low-energy, discouraged sex life into one energized by hope, closeness, and satisfaction. And that’s HUGE.
For more help, you can’t do better that Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. Check it out.
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