More good sex, more often, Part 1
by Mira and Charles on October 29th, 2009Okay, from our last blog we learned that there are 13 specific reasons why couples are having less sex. And surely at least one of them applies to you. So let’s go through them one at a time. We’ll give you QUICK suggestions for how to overcome each obstacle. There’s a lot to go through, so we’ll have to do this in two parts, starting with 1 through 6 today:
1. You’re so busy and stressed out that it’s hard to get into a sexy, let’s-connect frame of mind. Welcome to the club! This is one of the most widespread problems in
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Talk about business (you know: do we need to call in a plumber; can you pick up the dry cleaning; what do we do about our kid who’s not doing so well in school) only by email or texting. Have your fights only via email. Save your face-to-face time for just enjoying each other.
–Than make sure you have one real intimate connection every day, even if it’s only a long, meaningful kiss. Focus more on being physically close than on having intercourse. That will put you in the frame of mind so you actually will have satisfying intercourse.
–For a full range of things to do to have more intimacy in spite of your busy life, check out The Weekend Marriage. It’s THE book for how to how to find intimacy when you’re living the time-starved lifestyle we all live these days.
2. You’re mad at each other and feel hurt, so you need some real healing to happen before you can feel sexually open to each other.
QUICK SUGGESTIONS:
–Healing takes the time it takes, but we so often do things that slow the healing process down. The best thing you can do to help your partner heal is LISTEN to her. Let her get it all off her chest. And don’t just sit there passively like a piece of furniture. Say things that show you understand. People can’t heal unless they feel that their partner really GETS why they feel so hurt.
–For more help, check out Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. There’s a whole chapter in it on how to get past your hurts so you can have a good relationship.
3. You’ve fallen into a sexual rut. Making love is too mechanical and predictable. You’re disappointed, which leads to discouragement, which leads to your not doing anything about it.
QUICK SUGGESTION:
–You may think you’ve tried “everything,” but I’m here to tell you, no, you haven’t. Here’s what you need to do when the two of you have some time. You have to go back to sex school for a refresher course. That means, you have to teach each other how to make love to each other. To do that, both of you complete the following statements:
–“I think we would have more sex more often if only you [or we]…”
–“Three things I’d like you to do more of when we make love are….”
–“Three things I’d like you to do less of when we make love are….”
–“Three things I’d like you to let me do more of when we make love are….”
–“I feel wanted by you when you….”
–“What I most wish you understood about me when it comes to lovemaking is….”
–“What I most like about making love with you is….”
It’s best if you write your answers down and hand them to each other. Now share your answers with each other. And your conversation should all be about clarifying what you telling each other about what you like and don’t like. Talk about it. Be specific. Be honest about what you’re willing and not willing to do. Talk about where you might need some help.
And don’t worry about solving all your problems at once. Your job isn’t to make sex wonderful. Your job is to make sex better and more frequent. Look for improvement, not perfection.
And that’s it: you know what to do. Learn it, live it, love it.
This is the best sex school, because the best sex teacher is someone who loves you and who knows his or her own body. And you can be that for each other.
4. One of you wants to make love more often than the other and this has set up a dynamic where one is always pushing and the other resisting.
QUICK SUGGESTION:
–People in a relationship are usually not as far apart as they think. They’ve just gotten polarized. Ask each other, what is the most and fewest time you’d like to have sex every month or week. The minimum for one of you should be close to the maximum for the other. Then you just have to ask each other how you could compromise. What would one of you need to feel he could make love more often? What would the other need to feel OK with doing it a little less often? You may not make things perfect, but you will make things better.
5. You don’t experience each other as sexy anymore.
QUICK SUGGESTION:
–See #3 above. If that doesn’t work, and it should, check out Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay to see if it makes sense for you to be together.
6. Everyday life is almost overpoweringly mundane, and you have trouble breaking through to the intimacy and sensuality necessary for love making.
QUICK SUGGESTION:
–See #1 above. Also, ask each other, “For you, what works for us to get closer? Then take turns doing what works for each of you to get close. For one of you, it might be a nice walk. For the other, it might be going out to eat. But for both of you, there are probably many things that work for the two of you do get close. DO THEM!
In the next blog, we’ll go through issues 7 through 13.
