Snore. Smack! Snore. Smack!
by Mira and Charles on October 16th, 2009Well, that’s one solution. How many wives (and husbands) have smacked, shoved, pinched, and even punched their spouse because they couldn’t take the snoring any more?
Lots! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Up to a third of couples report that one partner’s sleep habits are driving the other crazy or hurting their relationship.
It’s not just snoring. Some couples fight because one likes to go to bed early and get up early, while the other goes to bed and gets up late. Some fight because one likes to stay up reading or watching TV while the other is trying to get to sleep. One wants to make love after lights out, while for the other by that time it’s too late for sex. One likes a cold bedroom, the other can’t stand the cold.
Problems like this can be devastating. We need our sleep! So couples fight over sleep issues, and then fight more because they’re cranky from the sleep issues.
Here’s what most couples do about this. One complains and nags. The other bristles and resists. Does that work? Well, if it did, marriage would be the happiest place on earth.
But of course it doesn’t work. Here’s what does.
1. Seeing each other. All that nagging and bristling would end immediately if you just spent ten minutes telling each other what you know about the other’s problem. “Look, I know my snoring keeps you up.” “And…?” “And then you’re tired the next day.” “And…?” “And when you’re tired you get depressed and start hating your life.” You both need to know that the other knows what the problem is, how bad it is, and why it is a problem.
2. Kicking it around. This is where you brainstorm solutions. You just kick things around. No one is persuading each other of anything. But you do explore every option. Nothing get automatically ruled out. If someone mentions a possibility, the other doesn’t say, “There’s no way I would ever do that.” Instead, he says, “Well, what would that look like?” Or, “What would that require?”
3. Getting more information. One reason couples fight is that they reject options before they check them out. Don’t reject sleeping separately; try it for two weeks. If one doesn’t want medical intervention for his snoring, at least go get more information. Talk to doctors, more than one. Talk to people who’ve tried that solution. If it turns out that a certain medical intervention works well and that most people are happy with it, that’s very helpful. If not, that’s helpful too. And use this process to generate as many options as possible.
4. Negotiating. If you guys are still at an impasse, ask the magic question: “Look, I’d really like you to try such-and-such; what do you need from me to do that?” In other words, you’re saying, Let’s make a deal. This is very powerful. It’s your way of recognizing that there may be a real cost to your partner for helping you with your problem, and that you are willing to do something to compensate for that cost. It’s often something surprisingly do-able, like, “Well, if I go to a doctor, will you go with me?” Or, “If we agree to sleep in separate bedrooms, will you agree that we’ll still make love at least once a week and maybe even bump it up to twice a week?”
5. Going to a couples therapist. Sometimes good people in a good relationship get into a situation where they’re at an impasse and there’s nothing they can do to fix it. In fact, everything they do to make things better makes things worse. Well, that’s when you need a good couples therapist. You’d be amazed at how much time and trouble that could save you. They can uncover hidden problems and find good solutions that seemed impossible to you. And what do I mean by a good therapist? Simple: he or she is experienced and focuses on solutions. No time is wasted talking about the past. It’s all about figuring out a way to move forward.
Another solution that can be a lot faster and cheaper than a therapist is our book Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. There is a ton of very practical help there, especially in the chapter on getting your needs met. Try it. You’ll like it.
