“I just don’t feel you appreciate me”
by Mira and Charles on October 12th, 2009Okay, so this guy I know is a CEO who leads a busy life where, at least on the job, he is the star of his world, or the captain of the ship, or the head cheese, or something like that. But he started telling me one day about how he doesn’t feel appreciated in his life. Not anywhere really. Not on the job, and especially not at home. And I started thinking, Do any of us feel appreciated?
I did a brief survey, and I found the shocking truth is that most of us most of the time do NOT feel appreciated. That is, we do not feel that the effort we put into things is seen or that our accomplishments are acknowledged.
And you know, this makes sense. It happens everywhere. When you read this blog, you will have no idea of the time I spent writing it, the time offline I spent thinking about it, the years of experience that enabled me to get a half-way intelligent and informed take on this issue. You will read these words in a fraction of the time it took me to write them. They may strike a nerve, they may make a difference in your life, but probably not.
And this is normal. The same thing is true for all the things you do for people in your life. We’re all in the same boat here. We don’t feel appreciated, and you know: that is sad. We can watch all the Oscar and Emmy and Grammy award shows in the world and seeing all those people win all those awards will do nothing for us.
(And by the way: I know people who have won those awards, and their proud and grateful for a while but deep down they don’t feel really appreciated either.)
So what do we do about it?
First of all, give what you want to get. Even if you don’t feel appreciated, give other people in your life the appreciation you would like to get. It may not change your life, but if we all do it it will change the world. And if you do it to people you’re close to, you’re likely to get some of it back.
Second, do NOT complain to your Significant Other about how s/he doesn’t appreciate you. Because the answer will be, “I don’t appreciate you??? You don’t appreciate me!!!!!” You’ll be worse off than before.
Third, do this instead. Go to your S. O. and say something like this: “You know, I think both of us are doing the best we can here and neither of us are feeling appreciated. I don’t feel appreciated, and I know I don’t do enough to make you feel appreciated. So let’s turn this dynamic around.”
And here are some things you can do to do just that:
– Take turns saying something specific about one thing you appreciate about the other.
– Take the time to see each other in your lives. Say, “This is what it is like for you to lead your life…” and then say everything you know or can think of about the other’s life, his/her efforts, struggles, accomplishments … everything so the other knows you see him and appreciate him.
– Take turns completing the following sentence: “I would really feel you appreciate me if…” and then say one thing that would make you feel appreciated. Then you both have to make sure you do those things!
Any of these would go far towards turning things around and making you feel appreciated. Do them!
And do this too: Write a comment here about just what you would like to feel more appreciated for. Spell it out! And we promise we will add a comment back giving you just the appreciation you were asking for.
By the way. Thank you all for making us here feel so appreciated by all the wonderful emails you send us. It makes a big difference and we’re really grateful.
Finally, one of the things that makes us feel unappreciated in a cosmic sense is the bad things that happen to us. We wonder why they would happen if we were good people fulfilling God’s or the universe’s purpose. They make us feel like nothing. But is that true? NO! That why we wrote our book Everything Happens for a Reason. Please check it out. You’ll discover that there is value and meaning in everything that has happened to you. And deep down you will feel more appreciated.
