Are you married to a rhinoceros?
by Mira and Charles on August 6th, 2009You might be saying, “But I never even thought I was married to a rhinoceros!” Don’t be so sure. It’s really important to get this right.
Here’s a bad dynamic a lot of couples get into. Let’s say you and I are married. For some reason, or for no reason at all, I see you as being stubborn and resistant to certain things. In other words, I see you as a rhinoceros. So I won’t mention some need of mine—let’s say it’s my need for you not to keep lending money to your brother when we could use that money ourselves; I’ll try to keep that need hidden. But I probably won’t be able to keep it hidden forever. When I do start talking about my need, I’ll be much more forceful than I need to be, partly because it’s been pent up, and partly because I see you as a rhinoceros, which is why it was pent up in the first place.
Of course when I do express my need so forcefully, you’ll experience me as a rhinoceros. After all, I am charging at you, nostrils flaring. So you’ll put up a very strong resistance. Confirming my view of you as a rhinoceros.
No one can ever figure out where this dynamic starts in a relationship or who’s at fault for it. Who knows? Who cares? It doesn’t matter how it starts. What matters is that it’s going on right now, and it’s totally stupid.
Because here’s the thing: no one is as rhinoceristic as they seem. I just seem like that to you because you seem that way to me, and you seem that way to me because I seem that way to you. It’s all just a ridiculous misunderstanding that seems all too real because it has taken on a life of its own.
Imaginary rhinoceroses create real rhinoceroses! It’s just nuts.
So what do you do about this? It’s reeeeeaaaaal simple.
Next time you need something from your partner, think pussy cat, not rhinoceros. Ask yourself, how would you approach your partner if you were sure he was a pussy cat on this issue? How would you ask if you were certain of his good will and loving nature? Then let that determine how you make your request.
Here’s a secret. We usually respond according to how we are approached. If you approach me as if I were a pussy cat, I’ll probably respond like a pussy cat.
And the next time your partner does approach you like a rhinoceros, say to yourself, well, that’s just the way he seems. But he’s really just a pussy cat in a rhinoceros’s clothing (probably a pretty loose fit!). Then deal with him as if he really were a pussy cat. Ignore the hard charge. Don’t get your hackles up. Start purring. Say something like, “I know you’re really upset about this, and it’s a big deal to you. I want to be as cooperative as I can…”
I said this was simple. I didn’t say it was easy. We’re very conditioned to have the rhinoceros response. But it’s just a bad habit. Overcome it. If you think pussy cat, not rhinoceros, you’ll soon end up in a marriage with two pussy cats, and what could be nicer than that!?
Need more help dialing back the anger and fighting? Definitely check out Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad: The 10 Prescriptions to Heal Your Relationship. It’s the best relationship book out there. Really.
