Have an affair…with your spouse
by Mira and Charles on July 31st, 2009We all want to prevent affairs. They’re too dangerous, too hurtful. So how do you prevent affairs? How do you affair-proof your marriage?
Here’s a great answer. It comes from understanding why people have affairs in the first place. There is usually some need or vulnerability we all have in our marriages, even really good marriages. (For a full list of reasons why people cheat, see our book When Good People Have Affairs.) So when some Siren or Lothario show up, why might they be successful in seducing your spouse? Because they hit on what your spouse needed that he or she wasn’t getting from you.
So to prevent your marriage from being hurt by an affair, do this. Ask yourself why your spouse might cheat on you. What would be the seduction trigger that even your loyal spouse might find hard to resist? You could even ask your spouse what someone might offer that would tempt her to cheat.
When I ask people about this, the answers are quite similar:
· We might fall for some interloper if they thought we were wonderful and said we were wonderful and did things that showed they thought we were wonderful.
· We might fall for some interloper if they made time for us and during that time focused on us.
· We might fall for some interloper if they seemed genuinely generous and loving.
· We might fall for some interloper if they didn’t spend their time asking us about stupid household chores and instead had fun with us.
· We might fall for some interloper if they made us like the person we were with them, because we felt smarter, more charming, more sexy.
There are other answers too. What do you think your spouse would say? Well then, make sure he finds that at home with you, someone he really loves.
