“I’m a cheater. What do I do now?”
by Mira and Charles on July 27th, 2009OK, you’re a cheater. Everyone hates you. The odds are that you hate yourself. But the real question is, What do you do?
The myth is that cheaters are just selfish, entitled users. And about 20% of them are just that. They won’t listen to any advice from anyone. They just want to get away with what they can get away with.
But 80% of cheaters are unhappy in their marriages or in themselves. What they want is to do what’s best for everybody. What they’ve got on their hands is a very dangerous situation. And here’s what they need to do to make the best of it.
First, read When Good People Have Affairs. It will show you and everyone else connected to your life what’s best for you to do. There’s a lot of help in the book. Here’s the short version.
Figure out FAST what you want. You are in a situation that will blow up in your face sooner or later.
If any part of you wants to save your marriage, it’s best to end your affair immediately. Do NOT tell your spouse about your affair. Your marriage is obviously shaky already; why make it shakier by adding your spouse’s rage and mistrust to the mix. DO go into couples therapy immediately: it will help more than you think—the odds are it will save your marriage.
If you are sure your marriage is dead, then it’s time to separate now. Spare everyone the delay and pain that will come if you wait further. It’s sad when a marriage dies, but it’s best to act on it fast if it is dead.
If you’re not sure what to do, go into couples therapy: usually the best way to tell if your marriage is worth staying in is to make it as good as it can be. Only then do you have the information to determine if you want to stay married or not. And it’s best to end your affair while you are working on your marriage.
If your spouse finds out about your affair, tell the whole truth immediately. Never tell a part of the story and then change it later. Trust is very fragile now, and if you change your story, you will damage trust that much more.
If your spouse finds out about the affair, understand that this is much more painful for your spouse than you can possibly imagine. Do NOT urge your spouse to get over it. You can help your spouse get over it not by trying to convince her that you are sorry but by show her you are willing to listen to her pain for as long as it takes and to try to understand what she is going through.
Know that marriages can and do heal after an affair, but you have to show yourself 100% committed to do whatever is necessary to bring about that healing. Your clarity and commitment will make that healing possible.
