Comments on: What about “the other woman”? http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131 w h e n y o u ' r e r e a d y t o m a k e r e a l c h a n g e s Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:34:36 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2957 Charles Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:22:51 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2957 ...and this is why we say to potential cheaters, Don't cheat! The problem, as you know, is that people come to us for help only AFTER the affair has started. And that's when our struggle begins to sort things out in a way that causes the minimum of damage and pain to everyone involved. we're pretty successful with that, but it's hard. at the same time, I do have to say that while some cheaters are callous sneaky weasels, the great majority really are good people who are struggling with painful and conflicting loyalties. It sounds like you got one of the bad ones -- I'm so sorry! …and this is why we say to potential cheaters, Don’t cheat! The problem, as you know, is that people come to us for help only AFTER the affair has started. And that’s when our struggle begins to sort things out in a way that causes the minimum of damage and pain to everyone involved. we’re pretty successful with that, but it’s hard. at the same time, I do have to say that while some cheaters are callous sneaky weasels, the great majority really are good people who are struggling with painful and conflicting loyalties. It sounds like you got one of the bad ones — I’m so sorry!

]]> By: roadtripinblues http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2954 roadtripinblues Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:56:13 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2954 It's been proven that if "they" will cheat with you, "they" will cheat on you as well. It can happen. Also a word to the wise. You Can't get away with sneaking around on the one you were sneaking around with. They already know your tricks & excuses, they learned them from you while you were sneaking around with them. It’s been proven that if “they” will cheat with you, “they” will cheat on you as well. It can happen. Also a word to the wise. You Can’t get away with sneaking around on the one you were sneaking around with. They already know your tricks & excuses, they learned them from you while you were sneaking around with them.

]]> By: shadowcat http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2906 shadowcat Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:37:13 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2906 I really appreciate your words about the need to be non-judgmental, since most people are doing the best they can in a difficult situation. After having read Dr Foster's reply to Molly, I do however wonder about the powerlessness one feels as the other woman. Is there nothing that can be done except ending the relationship or accepting it as is? What I did was that I gave my married man your book When Good People Have Affairs, and I can see that your book has had a large impact on him even though he still has not reached a decision. The way he talks about our relationship has changed substantially. Before we were in limbo, now we have set up a plan to enable him reaching a decision. Upon his suggestion, since we are in a long distance relationship we have decided to spend more time together for the next year to try to minimize the risk of romanticizing our relationship, and then if he still does not know what to do we will go into non-contact for at least 3 months so he can give 100% to his marriage and see if he can get it to work. We both believe that he probably will never be able to leave his wife unless he first has given his marriage a real and fair chance to fulfill his needs. He never was unhappy with his wife, but something was missing and therefore he was open for an extramarital relationship. I am a member of a forum for other woman, and many women there feel that if a married man would not leave his marriage even if the other woman did not exist, then he is never going to leave. I do question however if this is really the case. Therefore I like your approach in the book which is largely a help for the married person on how to make a choice between the two he loves. Your book gave us the one and only chance we have found so far to move closer to breaking up the love triangle in one way or another. It is also the only book I have read on the subject which is non-judgmental and not biased in one way or another. Thank you, Mira! I really appreciate your words about the need to be non-judgmental, since most people are doing the best they can in a difficult situation. After having read Dr Foster’s reply to Molly, I do however wonder about the powerlessness one feels as the other woman. Is there nothing that can be done except ending the relationship or accepting it as is?

What I did was that I gave my married man your book When Good People Have Affairs, and I can see that your book has had a large impact on him even though he still has not reached a decision. The way he talks about our relationship has changed substantially. Before we were in limbo, now we have set up a plan to enable him reaching a decision.

Upon his suggestion, since we are in a long distance relationship we have decided to spend more time together for the next year to try to minimize the risk of romanticizing our relationship, and then if he still does not know what to do we will go into non-contact for at least 3 months so he can give 100% to his marriage and see if he can get it to work. We both believe that he probably will never be able to leave his wife unless he first has given his marriage a real and fair chance to fulfill his needs. He never was unhappy with his wife, but something was missing and therefore he was open for an extramarital relationship.

I am a member of a forum for other woman, and many women there feel that if a married man would not leave his marriage even if the other woman did not exist, then he is never going to leave. I do question however if this is really the case. Therefore I like your approach in the book which is largely a help for the married person on how to make a choice between the two he loves.

Your book gave us the one and only chance we have found so far to move closer to breaking up the love triangle in one way or another. It is also the only book I have read on the subject which is non-judgmental and not biased in one way or another. Thank you, Mira!

]]> By: Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2904 Charles Fri, 24 Jul 2009 11:06:48 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2904 Thank you so much for sharing the human face behind the myth of "the other woman." Thank you so much for sharing the human face behind the myth of “the other woman.”

]]> By: Quicksilver http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2903 Quicksilver Fri, 24 Jul 2009 01:47:11 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/131#comment-2903 I have been the other woman a few times in my life. In retrospect I have a much better understanding of my choices. I feared commitment,I wanted to be loved and I chose older men looking for a father figure. I now realize that I deserve much more from a relationship, and now that I am a widow I can much more selective. I am adjusting to being single and enjoying the freedom, although I do experience loneliness at times. I am reclaiming my life. I have been the other woman a few times in my life. In retrospect I have a much better understanding of my choices. I feared commitment,I wanted to be loved and I chose older men looking for a father figure. I now realize that I deserve much more from a relationship, and now that I am a widow I can much more selective. I am adjusting to being single and enjoying the freedom, although I do experience loneliness at times.
I am reclaiming my life.

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