What about “the other woman”?
by Mira and Charles on July 23rd, 2009Of all the things that make people agitated when it comes to affairs, few things make people more agitated than “the other woman” (who is almost as often “the other man”). These people are usually portrayed as temptresses, man hunters, home wreckers. There is a mental image of Rielle Hunter, the woman who seemed to ensnare former presidential candidate John Edwards in her coils. But is this image true? Is it useful? There is, in fact, another side to the story, and I’d like you to hear it.
Here’s the truth. Sometimes a spouse’s lover IS an evil tempter. But in the vast majority of cases, the spouse’s lover is a confused, desperate person who never ever thought she’d be the other woman, who hates being in that role, and who truly believes, often with good reason, that the man she’s involved with loves her as she loves him but is very unhappy in his marriage.
Here’s a comment on our previous blog, Good people: Thank you! that shows what things are like from the other woman’s point of view. Please read this with an open heart and an open mind:
I’m struggling in a 3+ year affair with a married man. I too was married at the start, but made a decision to leave my broken marriage. It’s so difficult because I love this man, but he’s not ready to leave his marriage. He doesn’t want to hurt his spouse (although she’s found out about us 3-4 times over the course of the last few years), but she thinks its ended and we resume because we can’t let go of each other. He’s waiting for her to leave so he’s not the bad guy…I think alot of men identify with this, but at the same time, I’m hurting too, I’m lonely, I miss out on holidays and events, but I know this is my choice. I keep telling myself…I don’t want to be here next Xmas, or next Birthday or whatever the next thing is, and yet I find myself waiting. I know many would criticize my actions, but I’m not the one who’s cheating, he is. I haven’t betrayed her, he has. She blames me for everything because she can’t bring herself to blame the man she’s married to. I know I have responsibility in this triangle, but their marriage was broken before I came along, I was just the escape he needed, I fulfilled the needs that weren’t being met. It didn’t happen over night, but it was a gradual span of time that we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to each other and found the love we were both searching for in each other. He’s stuck and I’m stuck with him. People would say I’m pathetic, a whore, a marriage wrecker, but I only know what I feel and that’s not me. We don’t want to hurt anyone more than they’ve already been hurt, but we just don’t know how to let go…or maybe we just don’t want to.
Now here’s the response that Dr. Foster made to this comment:
First a general comment, then one about you specifically.
You are a good example of why people should stop being judgmental about other people’s relationships. What may look simple on the outside is always much more complex once you get to know what’s really going on. In the great majority of cases people really are doing their best with a difficult, often painful situation.
As for you, Molly, the thing you have to be careful about is the possibility that this guy is less committed to you and more committed to his marriage than you think. I’m sure you’ve wondered about this over and over. But you have to ask yourself what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. Can you spend the rest of your life this way? How long COULD you stand being in this situation? If you really do feel there is a deadline, tell him and stick to it. The most important thing is to avoid a trap where you stay in a relationship only because you’ve already spent so much time in it.
Good luck to you and everyone else in this situation.
Look: I don’t think it helps here to be a judge or a moralist. It’s fine to say that no one should cheat or help someone cheat. But most people cheat because they are unhappy. Most people get involved with a married person because they are searching for what we are all searching for. These are painful, difficult dramas, not morality plays. We can talk about what people should do, but we have to live with what people actually do. And we can only help them if we open our hearts and minds to their hopes and struggles.
Now what do you think about all of this? Have you ever been involved with someone who was married? What was that like for you? What is your view of “the other man/woman” if your spouse cheated on you? Did you ever get to know this person or see things from their point of view?
For help with this in your own situation, I hope you will check out When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of Men and Women in Two Relationships. You won’t find empty moralizing in this book, but you will find a world of understanding and sympathy and real help based on more experience with people in complicated relationships than any other family therapist we know of. If you’re not sure, just check out the reviews.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
I have been the other woman a few times in my life. In retrospect I have a much better understanding of my choices. I feared commitment,I wanted to be loved and I chose older men looking for a father figure. I now realize that I deserve much more from a relationship, and now that I am a widow I can much more selective. I am adjusting to being single and enjoying the freedom, although I do experience loneliness at times.
I am reclaiming my life.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Thank you so much for sharing the human face behind the myth of “the other woman.”
July 24th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I really appreciate your words about the need to be non-judgmental, since most people are doing the best they can in a difficult situation. After having read Dr Foster’s reply to Molly, I do however wonder about the powerlessness one feels as the other woman. Is there nothing that can be done except ending the relationship or accepting it as is?
What I did was that I gave my married man your book When Good People Have Affairs, and I can see that your book has had a large impact on him even though he still has not reached a decision. The way he talks about our relationship has changed substantially. Before we were in limbo, now we have set up a plan to enable him reaching a decision.
Upon his suggestion, since we are in a long distance relationship we have decided to spend more time together for the next year to try to minimize the risk of romanticizing our relationship, and then if he still does not know what to do we will go into non-contact for at least 3 months so he can give 100% to his marriage and see if he can get it to work. We both believe that he probably will never be able to leave his wife unless he first has given his marriage a real and fair chance to fulfill his needs. He never was unhappy with his wife, but something was missing and therefore he was open for an extramarital relationship.
I am a member of a forum for other woman, and many women there feel that if a married man would not leave his marriage even if the other woman did not exist, then he is never going to leave. I do question however if this is really the case. Therefore I like your approach in the book which is largely a help for the married person on how to make a choice between the two he loves.
Your book gave us the one and only chance we have found so far to move closer to breaking up the love triangle in one way or another. It is also the only book I have read on the subject which is non-judgmental and not biased in one way or another. Thank you, Mira!
September 9th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
It’s been proven that if “they” will cheat with you, “they” will cheat on you as well. It can happen. Also a word to the wise. You Can’t get away with sneaking around on the one you were sneaking around with. They already know your tricks & excuses, they learned them from you while you were sneaking around with them.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:22 am
…and this is why we say to potential cheaters, Don’t cheat! The problem, as you know, is that people come to us for help only AFTER the affair has started. And that’s when our struggle begins to sort things out in a way that causes the minimum of damage and pain to everyone involved. we’re pretty successful with that, but it’s hard. at the same time, I do have to say that while some cheaters are callous sneaky weasels, the great majority really are good people who are struggling with painful and conflicting loyalties. It sounds like you got one of the bad ones — I’m so sorry!