Good people: Thank you!
by Mira and Charles on July 20th, 2009Some people didn’t get it. But you did. And your response has been unprecedented. The ones who didn’t get it were upset that someone could talk about good people having affairs. “Good people” and “affairs” don’t mix, they said. But of course they do mix. Tomorrow, July 21, is the official publication date of the paperback edition of When Good People Have Affairs. So let’s talk about these people who have affairs.
It’s not that having an affair is a good thing. It almost always brings a lot of pain and it’s usually destructive. And it’s not that having an affair makes you a good person. That’s just silly.
But good people aren’t perfect people. Good people can be confused and make mistakes. Good people can be overwhelmed and desperate. Good people can get caught up in circumstances. Good people can get in over their heads. Good people can find themselves in messes they don’t know how to straighten out.
But good people do care about the people in their lives. They don’t want to hurt anyone. They just want to be happy, and unhappiness can make any of us do crazy, stupid things.
And here at the Chestnut Hill Institute we’d been working with these good people for years. We learned all the ways you found to be unhappy: unhappy in your marriage, unhappy in your lives, unhappy in yourselves.
And this led us to find amazing ways to help you. Help you how? It all in When Good People Have Affairs: How to figure out what you want. How to minimize the damage you might cause. How to make things better with everyone involved. How to heal your marriage, if that’s where you want to go. How to end your marriage with the least pain and damage, if that’s the inevitable outcome.
Of course, as any sensible person understands, and as anyone who’s worked with us knows, we’re just as concerned with everyone else in the triangle. The other woman or man, who’s often lonely, often left in the lurch, almost always very vulnerable. And of course the spouse. How could we not have enormous sympathy and concern for the spouse? We know exactly how it feels to be betrayed and feel hurt and angry and terrified that your whole life is going to blow up and go away.
But here’s the thing. There were plenty of books for people who’d been cheated on. There wasn’t a crying need for yet another book on how to deal with being betrayed. But the cheaters had no help and guidance in book form, and yet they held in their hands tremendous power to make the lives of those around them better or worse.
And the response really has been unprecedented. You’ve written to us and you’ve come to us for help. You’ve found your way to us from all five continents and from every walk of life. Most of all, you’ve trusted us to help you sort your lives out, because, as the book says, you really do want to do what’s best for everybody. And because you’ve sought help, you really have taken a situation fraught with all kinds of peril and made it as good as possible. You’ve let us help you find the least painful, most constructive path. And that’s a blessing for all of us.
Let us hear from you.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:13 am
I’m struggling in a 3+ year affair with a married man. I too was married at the start, but made a decision to leave my broken marriage. It’s so difficult because I love this man, but he’s not ready to leave his marriage. He doesn’t want to hurt his spouse (although she’s found out about us 3-4 times over the course of the last few years), but she thinks its ended and we resume because we can’t let go of eachother. He’s waiting for her to leave so he’s not the bad guy…I think alot of men identify with this, but at the same time, I’m hurting too, I’m lonely, I miss out on holidays and events, but I know this is my choice. I keep telling myself…I don’t want to be here next Xmas, or next Birthday or whatever the next thing is, and yet I find myself waiting. I know many would criticize my actions, but I’m not the one who’s cheating, he is. I haven’t betrayed her, he has. She blames me for everything because she can’t bring herself to blame the man she’s married to. I know I have responsibility in this triangle, but their marriage was broken before I came along, I was just the escape he needed, I fulfilled the needs that weren’t being met. It didn’t happen over night, but it was a gradual span of time that we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to eachother and found the love we were both searching for in eachother. He’s stuck and I’m stuck with him. People would say I’m pathetic, a whore, a marriage wrecker, but I only know what I feel and that’s not me. We don’t want to hurt anyone more than they’ve already been hurt, but we just don’t know how to let go…or maybe we just don’t want to.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 am
First a general comment, then one about you specifically.
You are a good example of why people should stop being judgmental about other people’s relationships. What may look simple on the outside is always much more complex once you get to know what’s really going on. In the great majority of cases people really are doing their best with a difficult, often painful situation.
As for you, Molly, the thing you have to be careful about is the possibility that this guy is less committed to you and more committed to his marriage than you think. I’m sure you’ve wondered about this over and over. But you have to ask yourself what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. Can you spend the rest of your life this way? How long COULD you stand being in this situation? If you really do feel there is a deadline, tell him and stick to it. The most important thing is to avoid a trap where you stay in a relationship only because you’ve already spent so much time in it.
Good luck to you and everyone else in this situation.
Warmly, Dr. Foster