How to affair-proof your marriage
by Mira and Charles on July 7th, 2009Affairs are the heart attacks of marriage. To a large extent, they’re both caused by how you live and they are both preventable. You can’t ignore the risk: affairs are the most common life catastrophe faced by people 25 through 65. Yes, marriages can and do survive an affair. But, as with heart attacks, many don’t, and many of the marriages that do survive limp on in a weakened condition.
Can you affair-proof your marriage? Yes. There are no guarantees, but you can lower your risks to an amazing degree.
The reason you can affair-proof your marriage lies in why people have affairs to begin with. According to our own research, shaky marriages are a major cause of infidelity. (This has been echoed in a recent NY Times article: “…psychologists at the University of Washington and the University of North Carolina reported that married men and women who called their relationship with their spouse ‘pretty happy’ were twice as likely to cheat as those who said their relationship was ‘very happy.’”)
So you can affair-proof your marriage by making your marriage better. How? A great deal of research shows just what to do. This isn’t just feel-good stuff. It’s science. And it’s very specific.
Remember back to when your relationship was at its best. It was probably near the beginning of your relationship. What did you have going for you then?
- You spent time together
- You had fun
- You did new things
- You acted romantic and affectionate toward each other
And that’s the answer for how to affair-proof your marriage: do those same four kinds of things now that you did then. You don’t have to feel it. You just have to do it. If you do it, the feelings will follow. And that’s because the psychological rule is that feelings follow actions.
Let me take this a step further. To affair-proof your marriage, try to be the person your partner fell in love with. It’s easier than you might think. I know: now you have kids, bills, in-laws, a mortgage, plus you work hard. But come on: has life been so hard, has it ground you down so badly that the fun, affectionate, interesting, cute person you were then is just dead and gone? I know it’s not, because if you were to have an affair that person would pop right back out. That person isn’t gone. He or she is just hiding. So take the self you were when you were falling in love out of moth balls. Your spouse will fall in love with you all over again.
Please let us know how you are doing with this. How is it making things better? Are you running into any obstacles? We love to hear from you.
