13 solutions for more sex in your marriage
by Mira and Charles on June 15th, 2009Due to popular request, here, in one place, are all thirteen reasons why married couples fall into a pattern of having less sex. More important, here also are 13 quick SOLUTIONS to help you have a more loving, more intimate, more enjoyable, and more FREQUENT sexual relationship. We know that if your sexual relationship has hit the pause button you’re feeling discouraged, hurt, angry, and scared. This is a topic that’s hard for you to talk to your partner about. But if you zero in on whichever of the 13 reasons that seems to be why your sex life is on hold, you’ll find help and reason to hope. Of course, if you still need more help, feel free to contact us here at the Chestnut Hill Institute.
1. You’re so busy and stressed out that it’s hard to get into a sexy, let’s-connect frame of mind. Welcome to the club! This is one of the most widespread problems in
2. You’re mad at each other and feel hurt, so you need some real healing to happen before you can feel sexually open to each other. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: Healing takes the time it takes, but we so often do things that slow the healing process down. The best thing you can do to help your partner heal is LISTEN to her. Let her get it all off her chest. And don’t just sit there passively like a piece of furniture. Say things that show you understand. People can’t heal unless they feel that their partner really GETS why they feel so hurt. For more help, check out Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. There’s a whole chapter in it on how to get past your hurts so you can have a good sexual relationship.
3. You’ve fallen into a sexual rut. Making love is too mechanical and predictable. You’re disappointed, which leads to discouragement, which leads to your not doing anything about it. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: The 7 questions in our previous blog, “Better sex, starting now” should take care of this.
4. One of you wants to make love more often than the other and this has set up a dynamic where one is always pushing and the other resisting. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: People in a relationship are usually not as far apart as they think. They’ve just gotten polarized. Ask each other, what is the most and fewest time you’d like to have sex every month or week. The minimum for one of you should be close to the maximum for the other. Then you just have to ask each other how you could compromise. What would one of you need to feel he could make love more often? What would the other need to feel OK with doing it a little less often? You may not make things perfect, but you will make things better.
5. You don’t experience each other as sexy anymore. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: For most people, this is the same as falling into a sexual rut. In that case, see #3 above. If that doesn’t work, and it should, ask yourself honestly why you don’t find the other sexy. It usually has to do with something in your relationship, or with one of you being tired, or with some physical issue that you can make better. The point is, don’t get stuck in the blanket statement, “I don’t find him/her sexy.” Figure out why, and there will probably be something you can do about it. You might need profession help for this, but for the best help you can find in a book, check out Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad.
6. Everyday life is almost overpoweringly mundane, and you have trouble breaking through to the intimacy and sensuality necessary for love making. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: See #1 above. Also, ask each other, “For you, what works for us to get closer? Then take turns doing what works for each of you to get close. For one of you, it might be a nice walk. For the other, it might be going out to eat. But for both of you, there are probably many things that work for the two of you to get close. DO THEM!
7. Your sexual chemistry wasn’t so hot at the beginning and now you’re dealing with this. Uh oh. This isn’t good. It’s usually a sign that things may not get much better. But there are some important exceptions that give reasons for hope. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: Some couples are so sexually inexperienced and/or repressed that they haven’t begun to explore their sexuality either separately or together. The other possibility is that there are medical conditions, including medication side effects, that are getting in your way. So what you need to do is go to a qualified sex therapist. You may be amazed at how much better things can be.
8. There’s been a decline of libido with age. There is absolutely no reason IN GENERAL why couples can’t have a happy sex life as they age. The frequency may decline, but so what, as long as you’re both content. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: Don’t just blame “low libido.” That’s just a catch-all. In fact, there are usually only one of two problems here. One is if one of you wants sex much more than the other. If that’s so, go to the answer to question 4. The other possibility is health issues. Definitely talk to your doctor about your low sex drive and ask about medical problems that might be contributing to it. Other than these two problems, just talk to each other about what you need and how you feel about sex with each other – talking freely is important now more than ever.
9. It gets harder over time to come up with new things to do in bed, and you have a need for newness. Heck, this is easy. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: Go to Amazon and browse among the sex manuals until you find a book that looks good to you. One word of advice, though. Although coming up with new things to do can be fun and helpful, the MOST important thing is talking to each other about what you like.
10. You’ve fallen into a dynamic in which each of you is waiting for the other to make the first move. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: Oooh, I have a GREAT solution for this. It’s called Taking Turns. Flip a coin to see who’s IT. It’s that person’s turn to initiate lovemaking. Once you’ve made love, it’s the other person’s turn to initiate. By making one person at a time responsible for initiating you avoid the sad dynamic where you’re both waiting for the other.
11. One or both of you in fact is looking for a way out of the relationship. Well, are you? QUICK SUGGESTIONS: The best way to tell is to read the classic on this subject, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The answer is there. And I promise you this. Divorce may be right for you. Staying together may be right for you. But nothing is worse than relationship limbo where the only thing you’re committed to is your ambivalence about your relationship.
12. Sex is not good now for a specific but temporary or treatable reason: something physiological or anatomical; there is a sexual dysfunction; a problem in current life circumstances; illness; etc. Well, you know the answer to this. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: Go see your doctor. Why wait? And please don’t be embarrassed to talk about any sexual concerns or problems. Your doctor has heard them all. He or she just wants to help you.
13. Having sex and talking about why you’re not having sex never happen because while this is an important issue, it’s infinitely postponable. It’s not urgent, and many other things in your life are urgent, so you don’t get around to it. Yeah, I know, we’re all busy. But there are only two real reasons why people postpone the sexual discussion. QUICK SUGGESTIONS: One is that they are discouraged. Maybe it’s been hard to talk about before. Maybe the problems seem daunting. But the earlier blog Better sex, starting now has a seven-question procedure that is safe, comfortable, and effective. You WILL be able to talk and you WILL find a way to make things better. The other reason people postpone the sexual discussion is that they are in fact comfortable with the distance they’ve arrived at. But are you really comfortable? The only way to know for sure is to go to the Better sex, starting now blog and go through that same seven-question procedure. The one thing you MUST avoid is regret that things could have been better but you never did anything about it.
Well, there you have it. We know this will help. Please let us hear from you!
Love, Mira and Charles
