Inside “Affairs”
by Mira and Charles on June 5th, 2009Our most recent book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships, is about to come out in paperback. Now is the time to pre-order your copy. To see what people think about it, read the reviews on Amazon. For another fairly objective overview, you can read this entry from Amazon’s Amapedia right now:
You can’t heal a relationship devastated by an affair unless you understand what the cheater was doing and why. When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships is the very first book to look at affairs from the point of view of the adulterer. This has long been the missing piece of the story. So this is a resource for people who find themselves in two relationships, and it’s also very much a needed source of insight for their spouse and lover.
The author, Mira Kirshenbaum, has perhaps more experience with people whose life is affected by an affair than any other clinician. She doesn’t have any therapeutic or moral hobbyhorses. As with all her books, her help is informed by long experience with real people and by a commitment to make sure her help is based on what actually works to make people’s lives better.
When Good People Have Affairs is organized as if you were actually in therapy with Kirshenbaum. She leads the reader through all the steps needed to resolve a painful and confusing situation. Affairs always end. They usually end badly when people don’t know what they are doing. Kirshenbaum gives people everything they need to figure out what’s best for everybody and then to manage things so love is enhanced and damage is prevented.
First, she helps readers deal with the issue of guilt. Because the vast majority of adulterers are basically good people, they feel very guilty for cheating. Kirshenbaum shows readers how to avoid being crippled and confused by their guilt.
Second, in a truly pioneering chapter, Kirshenbaum helps readers figure out why they have had an affair. For the first time anywhere she shows that there are actually 17 different kinds of affairs. She shows how to tell what kind of affair you’ve been having and then what that means for you.
Third, Kirshenbaum tackles head on the issue that underlies most affairs: trying to decide who you want to be with. For some people, and with some kinds of affair, this is easy. But for most people this is incredibly different, but it is essential to get this right because a person’s happiness rests on his or her getting this right. Through a series of carefully targeted chapters, Kirshenbaum walks the reader through all the issues that must be faced in choosing who to be with.
Fourth, in a thoughtful and evidence-based chapter, Kirshenbaum gives the reader everything she needs to answer the question, But what about the children?
Fifth, since ending the triangle means ending a relationship, Kirshenbaum shows readers how to do this as cleanly and healthfully as possible, with minimum pain and drama.
Sixth, and finally, Kirshenbaum shows readers how to rebuild the relationship they are committing to. She is very thorough providing all the help needed to deal with the big issues of finding forgiveness, rebuilding trust, making the other person feel special, and creating the love that readers have been longing for.
In the end, this book is as much about helping people rebuild their lives and their love lives as it is about dealing with an affair. This is destined to be the classic resource for people caught in a love triangle, and for people who are trying to help them.
