The most complicated relationship in the world: Mothers and daughters
by Mira and Charles on May 12th, 2009It starts out with hopes that are sky high, and that’s where the trouble begins. Mother has all the love in the world to give; she just wants the best for her daughter. Daughter is adoring and malleable.
But normal human being can’t live up to expectations like these. And when neither is as wonderful as the other had hoped, trouble is brewing. And so begins the most complicated relationship in the world How do things go wrong, and how can we make them go right?
Between ages 11 and 21, a girl is in the process of firing her mom in the old mom role that was so comfortable to mom. She is starting to think that mom is not so perfect, and anyway she is mostly interested in becoming her own person. She wants to do things her way, not mom’s way. Mom feels she is being fired and it’s hard for her to face that fact. So mom tries to climb back in, to feel relevant, needed, wanted. She advises, lectures, criticizes. Daughter doesn’t want any of it. She doesn’t want a mom anymore. She is getting ready to be the mom. Mom feels hurt, pushed away. Now she tries to climb back in but with an angry edge. Daughter feels she has push away even harder.
And so is launched a cycle of mutual judgment and rejection that can go on for years.
Of course it’s not all negative. Not at all. Lots of women have great relationships with their mom. But it’s always more or less complicated by this cycle of judgment and rejection.
Here’s how many women live this cycle. They do their best to be nice to each other. But slowly the demon of their mutually judging each other creeps in. They try to ignore it. Soon there is a blow up, usually at the worst possible time: Mother’s Day, a birthday, the arrival of a grandchild. As the feelings pour out, soon mother and daughter are saying things they don’t mean and hurting each other more than they intended. They feel terrible. They apologize. They know they’ve gone too far, and so now they pull back and put their feelings on the back burner until things blow up again.
BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. Here’s how to heal the fractures in your mother/daughter relationship.
1. Stop being so judgmental. The ways mothers and daughters judge, criticize, blame, evaluate each other are endless, and endlessly toxic. So just stop judging each other’s hair styles and life styles, the way your mom brought you up or the way your daughter is bringing her kids up, everything. At this point no one is going to change. So start having a relationship where you accept each other for being the way you really are.
2. Tell your mom or daughter why you love her. Show her why you think she is special. Focus on why she is wonderful as she is, not as she could be if only she was the way you wanted her to be. Be specific.
3. Stop airing grievances. If airing grievances were the key to happy relationships, mothers and daughters would have the best relationships in the world. You can’t change the past and you can’t change each other. All you can do is focus on the future, which brings us to the next guideline.
4. Talk about the role you’d like to play in each other’s life. Listen to each other. See if you can talk through a way to accept the role each of you would like to play in the other’s life. If you need to set a boundary, now’s the time to set it, but if one way of relating is not welcome, make clear what is welcome. Don’t say, “Back off”; that feels rejecting. Instead, say, “You’re important to me and here’s where I need you in my life.”
With less judgment and more acceptance, the mother/daughter relationship can be one of the most rewarding relationships in a woman’s life.
What about you? What has helped you improve your relationship with your mother or your adult daughter? Please let us know. We can all benefit.
Love, Mira and Charles
