Having a real good Mother’s Day, even when you don’t feel like it
by Mira and Charles on April 27th, 2009Well, Mother’s Day is almost upon us, a day filled with roses and restaurants and…a lot of BS.
For once, in this forest of phony floral prints that are a hallmark of Mother’s Day, let’s tell the truth. Our relationship with our mothers is one of the most difficult relationships in our lives. Yes, sometimes it’s uncomplicated. Sometimes it’s really true that your mother is your best friend.
But too often the relationship between mothers and their adult children is filled with resentment, regrets, and recriminations. “How could you have…?” “Why didn’t you…?” “Why won’t you listen to me?” “Why won’t you call me?” “Why won’t you leave me alone?” “Why won’t you accept me?” “Why don’t you love me?”
And why wouldn’t there be so much anger and disappoint. There is no other relationship on which we place such high expectations.
And then what do we do about all this? Too often, Mother’s Day is an empty exercise in empty demonstrations of phony feelings. And we’re left with a feeling of sadness. In other cases, Mother’s Day is the time when all the anger and disappointment come flying out of the closet, words are spoken, voices are raised, and when it’s over everyone feels even worse.
Let’s just admit the truth, and I speak as someone who is both a mother and a daughter myself. Mother’s aren’t perfect. If your mother wasn’t perfect, GET OVER IT. OK, she let you down, maybe even hurt you. So what? Most mothers aren’t perfect. Your mother’s imperfections don’t mean she didn’t love you or that she wasn’t doing her best. Trust me: as a mother or father yourself, you will be imperfect and will let your kids down too. Imperfect people shouldn’t judge their mother’s imperfections.
And let’s face it: we weren’t perfect kids either. Yeah, I know that children are innocent, but still, lot’s of kids give their parents a really rough time. And very few parents are prepared to deal with the awful difficulties their kids present them with.
So let this Mother’s Day be different. No empty phony sentiments. But no pointless recriminations either.
How about this Mother’s Day we celebrate our capacity for forgiveness and acceptance? Try it. You’ll be glad you did.
Some of you have done this already. I’d love to hear from you. Please, tell me your stories of how as a mother or adult child you tried to heal things by introducing the theme of acceptance and forgiveness in your relationship. Your stories will help a lot of people.
And if you haven’t, let this be the Mother’s Day where you both talk about what’s real AND create real healing. Let me know how it all works out.
Love, Mira
